I'm so disappointed in myself lately and my lack of productivity. I came here to write a blog post about new vegan makeup, but this is what's on my mind so I'm going to write about this instead.
I’m so unproductive lately. I feel like I’m not getting anything done. This makes me feel terrible about myself, but apparently not enough to actually do something about it. What would "productive me" be doing right now? She’d probably be editing a video that she filmed this morning. She’d be at a job getting work done. She’d be doing all the chores around the house that are on her to-do list. But "reality me" is just sitting here in a chair, sipping on her $4.40 Starbucks clover-brewed coffee, wearing a dry sheet mask, watching ALL of the latest Jaclyn Hill Cosmetics drama videos on YouTube. Girl, you know the lipsticks are defective. Do you really need to watch ANOTHER video showing someone pulling little hairs off of the lipstick with a pair of tweezers under a microscope?!?! "Rational me" knows that no, I do not. I have the information. I’ve seen the receipts, as they say. But there’s a part of me, the lazy, over-analyzing, drama-loving side that says, YES! Another new video on the situation was just uploaded 13 minutes ago. CLICK.
And immediately I judge myself. But when I take a step back and look at the bigger picture, I realize that I could be just trying to self-soothe. I’ve had a heck of a year after all. If you’ve followed along on my Instastories, you would know that I’ve been trying to get pregnant for the last 3 years and nothing is working. This year we dialed things up a notch and tried IVF (it didn’t work. AT ALL). I’m finally feeling like myself again after almost 3 months since the procedure. My hormones seem to be back to normal and I’m not feeling depressed anymore. Perfect time to try again, right? Maybe not, but that is what I am doing. I'm signed up for another round of IVF, starting in just a few weeks.
When I look at it this way, it makes sense that I’m trying to soothe myself with YouTube videos, scented hand creams, and playing around with new blush palettes, eyeliners, and red lipsticks. I’m reaching for those little things that make me feel sane and comforted in times of intense stress and uncertainty. I know that I won’t be in this place forever and I have to give myself some grace in this process.
The next time you find yourself spending hours in the bathroom going through your 15-step spa night routine or shopping online on Sephora into the wee hours of the morning, ask yourself, are you doing okay? What’s really going on? Because although I wish there was a face mask or serum for internal pain, active healing ingredients can only penetrate so far.
What do you do to take care of yourself when you feel like everything is falling apart?